Why Your Advice Isn’t Helping (and What to Do Instead)
Tame your inner know-it-all and make this simple shift to be a better partner, colleague, and friend
I have a favorite poem that I find myself quoting often. To be honest, it’s the only poem I’ve ever memorized—but recalling it from my mind is not hard because it’s short (a haiku) and meaningful. The poem is this:
Talk less and ask more
Your advice is not as good
As you think it is.
The haiku, from Michael Bungay Steiner’s book The Coaching Habit, makes abundantly clear an important truth: your advice may stink. Or even if it doesn’t stink, it may not be what the other person most needs in that moment.
The idea not to give unsolicited advice isn’t a fresh one. But it is an idea most of us need to hear again and again because, to be honest, we really like giving advice.
To be helpful is a central joy in my life. And (as my husband has more than once said to me), my desire to be helpful asserts itself even when others don’t want to be helped. So often, the help offered isn’t what is truly needed.
Take this conversation for example:
Person A: I’m having a hard time getting my phone and my watch to sync.
Person B: Have you tried restarting your phone?
Person A: Yes.
Person B: Updating your operating system?
Person A: Yes.
Person B: And everything is fully charged?
By this point in the conversation, I’m sure Person A is thinking, “Yes, I’ve tried that and your next three suggestions, because that’s what a reasonably capable person would do.”
An alternative to the advice
Our intentions might be good, but when we offer unsolicited advice we can inadvertently communicate that we’re offering advice because …
I don’t think you’ll figure this out on your own.
I’m smarter (or more experienced) than you.
I’m certain you want to know my brilliant thoughts.
When unsolicited, our advice becomes a monster in our relationships, making real conversation difficult to have. Giving advice too quickly also can steal learning opportunities from those who report to us at work, or from our children.
How do you put the advice monster back in the box? Get curious.
I find this chain of questions to be useful for squelching my advice monster:
Are you looking for help, or just to be heard?
Tell me what you’ve tried so far.
What options are you considering? What is your gut telling you?
How will this serve you? How will it not serve you?
How can I help?
Person B above could have benefitted from asking the first question. If she had, she might have learned Person A just wanted to complain for a minute; solutions were not needed.
And if Person B had asked question 2, “tell me what you’ve tried so far,” she could have avoided annoying and unhelpful advice.
If the topic is more serious than an iPhone sync issue, question 3, which is about the options that are being considered, or what the gut is saying, can help you gather context while also acknowledging that the other person can resolve this on their own.
Question 4, about how a choice might or might not serve the person, is great for helping to evaluate options. And finally, with question 5, we return to the possibility that the other person might want our advice or insights. If they do, fire away!
Approach advice like a coach
When I first began working as a leadership coach, my clients would present a challenge or decision they were facing and often I felt immediately that I had a relevant insight or piece of advice. Knowing, however, that the job of a coach is not to give advice, I forced myself to hold my tongue.
I would say to myself, “If this advice still feels relevant in 10 minutes, I’ll ask if they want to hear it. In the meantime, I’m going to ask another question.”
What I usually found was that 10 minutes later, my advice was not as good as I thought it was. I was glad I’d held it.
By asking questions instead, my clients often found their own wisdom. So often, coaches hear their clients say something like, “Now that I’m saying this aloud, I can see that …” The very act of discussing it with an authentically curious person who is asking thoughtful questions helped the person to discover their own answer.
Coaches know that their clients’ work and lives are complex. Advice would usually be misguided. Instead, we train ourselves to ask questions that prompt deeper thinking, more careful consideration of feelings and motives, or the identification of patterns and transferable concepts. Almost always, we find the answers are more valuable than your advice.
This isn’t just a hallmark of good coaching—holding your advice and asking more questions is often the best move with your partner, your colleagues, your kids, and your friends.
BONUS QUESTION
Of course, sometimes advice really is needed. What’s the best advice you’ve ever received? Drop me a note and let me know.
My response? My sophomore year of high school, my mother insisted that I take typing. “No matter what you do for a career, you’ll be grateful you know how.” Boy was she right.
BONUS CONTENT
Every time you change jobs, you have a new learning curve for the industry or role. But the basics of leadership? That stays the same. Investing in your own leadership development is a gift you give your future career.
That’s one of the conclusions host Kate Johnson and I came to on her Comfy Chairs podcast. Listen for more on:
The difference between okay questions and great ones
How to invite “uncommon insight” instead of chasing quick fixes
Why emotional intelligence is a key part of listening
I've had to learn this the hard way in friendships. Sometimes people just want to vent and need to so they can rid themselves of the stress in the moment. I've had this lessen driven home even further when, in certain situations, people have given me advice (lecturing) and I see how it feels and doesn't help. Um, not good. Noted!
Really saw myself in this--I also love to be "helpful." The idea of waiting 10 minutes to see if my thought/advice is still relevant is...as are the questions to ask instead. Thank you!