Now What? How to Keep a Good Conversation Going
And be sure to check out the Bonus Question ... brought to you by Ted Danson.
Today’s newsletter is inspired by a reader, who wrote this in an email:
I’ve been working on thoughtful questions for years. What I want to work on is the follow up questions, where I often find the best stuff of conversations.
The reader is right, of course. Having a good conversation takes more than just an opening question. So now what?
First, let’s not underestimate the power of a good opening question. I’ve written a lot about that in the past. For example:
But once you’ve gotten past that opening line, you cannot control where the conversation carries you. There are some clear things you can do to make for a great conversation, and there are important qualities you need to possess to ensure a good conversation happens.
How to “be” great at conversation
In coaching, we sometimes talk about “doing and being.” Doing is the active stuff—tasks and tactics. Being is the mindset —the attitude you bring, the character you embody.
You can chart the “doing and being” of a conversation. It might look something like this, depending on the topic:
Who you want to “be” in a conversation
Sometimes the hardest work in a conversation is in the “be” column. When the conversation matters, it helps to make a “be” list for yourself.
I did this a year ago, as I was heading into a meeting where I knew I would get tough feedback. I wrote “humble learner” at the top of my notebook to remind me of how I wanted to show up in that space.
Then, let your “do” column support your “be” choices.
To be a humble learner, I needed to ask follow up questions until I really understood my colleague’s perspective. I needed to summarize what I’d heard, and then check for understanding by asking “Did I get that right?”
Check in with yourself throughout a conversation to see how you’re doing at being the person you wanted to be in that conversation. Make a course correction when needed.
Next week’s newsletter will cover the doing of great conversation. Watch for it!
BONUS QUESTION
Over the Thanksgiving weekend, our family binged A Man on the Inside, the new Ted Danson show on Netflix. Danson plays Charles, a lonely widower who starts a second career as a private investigator and moves into a retirement home to solve a case.
The show is produced by Mike Schur (The Good Place, The Office, Parks & Rec), who knows how to make a funny show that is about something more than laughs. In this case, the show is about how to connect with the people around you.
I was cackling two-minutes into episode 1, when Charles’ adult daughter Emily attempts to bribe her teenage sons into sharing something - anything - about their days.
But it was episode 6 that I’ll quote. Emily tries to have a difficult conversation with her father, and later debriefs the conversation with her husband, Joel. She complains that she’s bad at talking with her father about “emotional stuff.”
“No one's good at it,” Joel reassures her. “It's impossible. It's just... either you're a person who does it, or you're a person who doesn't do it. And you're just trying to be a person who does it. And that's awesome.”
So today’s bonus question (along with a nudge to check out the show) is this: Are you trying to be a person who has tough conversations with the people you love? If so, that’s awesome.
Have we connected yet on LinkedIn or Instagram?
Photo of women by George Milton