How Much Money Do You Make? (And How to Talk About Other Taboo Topics)

Because silence is a breeding ground for bad outcomes.

Oct 31, 2024

Hey! Before we talk about money and other taboo topics, let me share a link to an interview I recently did with the Stretch podcast where the host Michael Sperger got me talking about some of my favorite topics: Appreciative Inquiry, and how to get your thinking unstuck. (It’s only 6 minutes long, but I’m a fast talker.) Enjoy!

“I can’t wait to tell you how much money I make,” said the woman on the Zoom call. The rest of us laughed, a little nervously. But honestly? We were all ready to hear.

This wasn’t a call with a multi-level marketing huckster, eager to sign us up. It was the first meeting of a new support group of solopreneurs in coaching and facilitation.

We’d just agreed to be transparent with each other, even about the normally taboo topic of income.

Making everything discussable

We all know the taboo topics, like politics or religion. But should all these things be off limits, or instead do we need to be better at having conversations that are safe, even when they’re a tiny bit uncomfortable?

To quote Mr. Rogers, patron saint of kindheartedness, “Anything that's human is mentionable, and anything that's mentionable can be more manageable.”

Here’s an incomplete list of things we should probably talk more about:

Grief
Mental health
Pregnancy loss
Menopause
Our faith
Our fears
Our finances
Causes we believe in
Mistakes and failures
Things we don’t know

(What else is on your list of topics we should talk about more? Tell me!)

Language that helps make taboo topics more discussable

Difficult topics are a little easier to get started with the right language. One way to start a conversation is to use a news hook, which I explained in an earlier newsletter.

Another way to launch into a tough conversation is to name the dynamic. We name the dynamic when we state what’s happening and (when possible) the feeling it's evoking.

In that group of solopreneurs, one of us might have said something like, “I know this is awkward to ask, but would you all mind sharing your average bill rate?”

Somehow saying that something is awkward, makes it less awkward. That’s naming the dynamic. Acknowledging emotions almost always makes for a better question, and a better conversation.

Simon Sinek suggests you can even go a step further, and ask for understanding as you fumble through a difficult topic. “I know this is awkward to ask, and bear with me if I struggle for the right words, but …”

There are other useful phrases that can help you start a conversation about a normally tough to discuss topic.

One of my favorites is borrowed from Brené Brown. She uses the phrase, “The story I’m telling myself is …” to launch a conversation.

If you wanted to talk with a friend about mental health, you might say something like, “The story I’m telling myself is that my family is the only one with mental health concerns, but I suspect that’s not true.”

Another of my favorite conversation launchers is, “I could be wrong, but I’m wondering if …”

Imagine the rich dinner conversation with friends that might follow if someone asked, “I could be wrong, but I doubt I’m the only one who is dealing with a lot of midlife issues and questions. Can we talk about that?”

Silence is a breeding ground for bad outcomes. Don’t sit in silence, afraid to start a tough conversation, when you have a safe place to do it. Instead, make it mentionable and like Mr. Rogers said, it will become more manageable.

Bonus Question

Admitting to mistakes, even those made while trying to learn, are often unmentionable. This story, as told in Susan David’s book Emotional Agility, illustrates why a different approach might be better:

The businesswoman Sarah Blakely, the founder of Spanx shapewear and at one time the world’s youngest self-made female billionaire, describes how at the dinner table each evening her father would say, “So, tell me how you failed today.” The question wasn’t designed to demoralize her. Instead, her father meant to encourage his children to push the limits; it was okay—even admirable—to stumble when trying something new and difficult.

How have you failed today? And what did you learn from it?

Are we connected yet on LinkedIN? On Instagram?

One closing thought: 🎉 my birthday is this weekend 🎉 and I’m taking tomorrow off for a writing retreat. If there’s a topic you’d like to see covered in a future newsletter, will you tell me?