Why Questions Matter: Research Into the Power of Questions to Shape Your World
So You Can Ask Questions that Get Responses Better than "Fine"
Is three really a magic number?
Is Genghis Khan the founder of Khan Academy?
What language do they speak in Washington, DC?
Is the zombie apocalypse an actual thing?
Kids ask the wildest things. The above are all actual questions my kids asked my husband and me when they were younger.
If you’ve ever been in the presence of a three year-old for more than a few minutes, you probably have a list of your own funny questions asked by a kid who is just trying to figure out how the world works.
One study found that young kids can ask as many as 107 questions per hour, though 30 questions an hour may be more of an average.
But about the time we start school, around age 5, our questions slow down. This may be because our understanding has increased; but some scholars believe it’s because we’ve internalized the belief that having answers is more important than having questions.
Long-time readers of this newsletter know I’m on a quest to restore the importance of questions - really good questions - in our lives. Asking questions matters for our relationships and our work. Here’s why.
Evidence-based research for why questions are important
Questions help us learn better.
We've all heard of the Socratic method, which is the use of open questions to help students explore a topic. That is a wonderful tool for the classroom, but that presumes the teacher has the answers.
Real conversation is more engaging when we don't know the answers. Author William Isaacs says, “The most important parts of any conversation are those neither party could have imagined before starting.” Asking questions you don’t know the answer to is how you start the process of learning, from yourself and from others.
Questions make us appear smarter.
Many of us worry that if we ask a question, or ask for help, we’ll appear weak or ignorant. Interestingly, the opposite is true. Some research shows we’re seen as smarter when we ask more questions, especially when we ask for help or advice.
One explanation for this is that people like to be helpful and also have high opinions of themselves. So if I ask for your advice, you might think, “Hey! I’d love to help, and kudos to Amber for recognizing how smart I am.”
Questions make us more likable.
In relationships, questions can make us appear more likeable. This research comes from the world of speed dating. People rated their date partner as more likeable if he or she asked questions about them, especially follow up questions.
This makes sense, right? Asking questions about someone is a way of indicating your interest, and it also shows you’re not self-centered.
Do questions make us more likable if we’re not on a first date? Experience says yes. Think about a cocktail party where someone showed genuine interest in you—most of us would find that person more likable than the blowhard who talked too much and listened too little.
Questions build intimacy
Maybe you’ve heard of the 36 questions that lead to love. The questions that sparked the viral NYT story were originally part of a research study that tested to see if questions that prompted vulnerability could create a sense of intimacy.
Yes. The answer is yes. When we ask and answer questions that are increasingly vulnerable, we feel a stronger sense of connection with our conversation partner.
Asking questions helps us build intimacy. Other research shows that regular discussion improves relationship satisfaction. So if you want a strong and lasting relationship, you need to regularly ask and answer questions about topics that truly matter to you.
Questions increase team performance
Finally, one study showed that people on high performing teams ask a lot more questions than folks on low performing teams. They might even ask as many questions as they advocate for their own ideas.
Think about why this matters: in teams that perform well, people work hard to understand their teammates’ perspectives. They show curiosity and explore possibilities. They test ideas together. The meeting isn’t an info dump; it’s a real conversation.
That kind of conversation takes questions - a lot of them. And it’s not hard to imagine how that kind of conversation could have an impact on the results the team produces. If you want to have a high performing team, ask more questions.
Let me be honest: this social science research needs to be shared with some caveats. Studies are usually done in testing environments rather than the real world, and often there isn’t enough time or money to repeat tests in order to validate the data.
I wish there were a thousand data-driven studies on the impact of asking good questions. Since there aren’t, we’ll have to take the research that exists and cross-check it with our own experience.
You can try these ideas at home (or work) … ask questions, thoughtfully, and see if it helps you learn faster, makes you appear smarter and more likable, strengthens your relationships, and helps your team perform better.
I think the results will be all the evidence we need.
Hey … can you help me out?
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Bonus Question
I recently made a Bucket List for my year.
A bucket list feels less formal than an intention or a resolution. Items on the list are things I want to do, but hey … I’ll feel no shame if they roll to next year, or beyond.
Here are 3 of my bucket list items:
Pick up trash at my favorite park at least 5x this year.
Buy flowers 1x a month.
Go to the Dia de los Muertos exhibit at the National Museum of Mexican Art.
What’s on your bucket list for the year? Drop me a note to share, or (better yet!) start a conversation with someone who matters to you, and make a bucket list together.
Photo by RDNE Stock project