Speaking Up with Confidence: Tips for Intimidating Situations
When you don't know what to say, questions are a good place to start.
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Here’s the lesson of today’s newsletter: You don’t have to know everything to add value.
In every experience I had with Maya (name changed), she was a confident and self-assured person. Her mind worked fast; I’d seen her share sharp insights without a hint of hesitation. So I was surprised when she brought feedback from her boss to our coaching session. He said she was being too timid in meetings—withholding her insights, deferring to others around her, sometimes letting whole meetings pass without uttering a word.
“It’s true,” she said. “Help!”
Here’s the backstory: Maya had recently received a promotion; the elevated responsibilities as Senior Director had her sitting at new tables, where the conversation was faster and higher level, and so were her peers.
“You stay in your lane,” her boss told her. And this WAS NOT a good thing. “If you’re going to make VP, you have to contribute outside your lane too.”
Maya wanted to step up but she was worried about what she didn’t know. So, rather than making a misguided comment, she was sitting silently, and it was starting to negatively impact her career path.
“How can I speak up when I’m not sure of what I want to say?”
Here’s what you need to remember, I told Maya.
Speaking up isn’t about having all the answers, but about helping the group think more clearly.
Finding our voice when we feel intimidated
Maya’s problem isn’t unique. The ability to advance in an organization is often dependent on your ability to see across the org and make decisions with that broader intelligence, rather than having visibility only on your department or team. When you’re first sitting in those higher-level meetings, speaking up can be difficult, even intimidating.
But this feeling isn’t reserved for the newly promoted; even tenured senior leaders sometimes feel hesitant to speak up, or uncertain about the approach to take.
“Fake it until you make it” is advice others might offer in this circumstance. That’s not entirely wrong. But Maya needed more than that—she needed clear ideas for how to speak up with a meaningful contribution (not filler and fluff!).
Speaking up with confidence and making a meaningful contribution is easier when you play the role of process advisor rather than subject matter expert. Offering process insights demonstrates your leadership expertise without requiring deep subject matter expertise.
Speaking up as a process advisor would get Maya’s voice heard while also making a substantial contribution to the team.
Helping to improve the process
• Name team dynamics and offer recommendations. “I can see our energy is flagging. Shall we take a 5-minute break?” Or, “I’m clear on the impacts for the manufacturing team; how will this change marketing?”
• Summarize the conversation and check for understanding. That might sound something like, “I’m hearing we’re all concerned the timeframe may be too tight, given the Q2 setbacks. Is that correct?”
• Make sure next steps are clear before the meeting closes. “So we’ll each talk to our teams and revise our forecasts before Tuesday, and Charlie will make sure this update gets to the board asap.”
Ask questions that advance the meeting
Maya was hesitant to ask questions about content areas she didn’t understand, for fear of appearing uninformed. I encouraged her to ask those questions anyway—more often than not, you’re not the only one who needs the information.
But there were additional questions she could ask in the meeting that could help improve the process and team functioning. Consider questions that:
Prompt others to speak. “Tom, what would this mean for your team?”
Play devil’s advocate. “Let me test our theory with a hypothetical. What if the board pushes back?”
Clarify a position: “Karen, are you saying the pros outweigh the cons, or just the opposite?”
Align the topic with other priorities: “I know having a strong holiday season is our top priority—how will this decision impact that?”
You don’t need to be the subject matter expert to add value—another way is to guide how the team works together. Playing the role of a process advisor isn’t just about career progression. It improves the quality of the team’s decisions and helps the organization advance its best ideas. Maya’s contributions won’t just get her voice heard—they’ll be a meaningful contribution.
When you’re in a room that feels intimidating, shape the process, ask clarifying questions, and connect the dots others haven’t seen yet. Speaking up in small but consistent ways builds credibility over time—and soon, those contributions will feel less like a risk and more like your natural role as a leader.
Start with one sentence, one question, or one idea.
You’ll be surprised how quickly confidence follows.
This post was originally published with Ad Lucem Group.
BONUS QUESTION
Change of topic here … as my oldest settles into their freshman year of college, we’re learning to communicate with each other without daily face-to-face time.
I often text questions for Sam to answer, but sometimes you need to change things up. So my new favorite “question” is to send a random photo from my day (a flower I liked, the fog in the park, an airport selfie) and to ask for a random photo back.
If a picture is worth a thousand words, I can get more out of this practice than texts.
Try it with a family member you’re trying to stay in touch with—send a random photo and ask for one back.
I think of this as a hidden question; nothing ends in a question mark, but it’s a way o asking, “Tell me something about your day.”
NEW PODCAST!
I like to share the good work my friends are doing in the world. With that in mind, I want you to know about a new podcast—Equal-ish—hosted by my dear friend Kate Mangino and her colleague Rachel Childs.
Equal-ish is dedicated to helping couples find an equal-ish household balance, even while parenting and working. The podcast alternates expert interviews with coaching edits where the hosts talk through the interviews to extract practical tidbits that we can try with our partners and families at home.
And if you have the resources to help crowd-fund important work like this, consider donating to their campaign. (I have!)
Photo by fauxels.