Noticing: The Skill You Should Teach Your Kids, and May Need to Learn Yourself
Relationship advice, that doubles as parenting wisdom and workplace insight.
Quick note before we start: Later this month, author Kate Mangino, mentioned below, will host a workshop on how to build an equal partnership at home. Trust me, this is transformative content. Get $15 off registration with code EQUAL15KATE. And if the remaining cost is a financial barrier to you, drop me a note. We got you covered.
Happy Noticers
A book I often recommend to friends and colleagues alike is Kate Mangino’s Equal Partners. She has one sentence, in particular, that has stuck with me, drawn from her research:
“People happy with their relationship noted that both people in the relationship were Noticers.”
Noticers are people who notice when something needs to be done around the house, and do it. To use Mangino’s examples, they would never put an ice cube tray back in the freezer empty. They switch out the heavy winter comforter for the lighter blankets. They clean out the kids’ bookbags.
Mangino’s book suggests teaching this skill to kids through an activity called “Noticing Time.” Set an alarm for 20 minutes, tell your kids it’s Noticing Time, and have them walk around the house noticing and doing anything that needs to be done.
Maybe, finally, someone will return the missing spoons to the kitchen!
The purpose of Noticing Time, as you’ve probably figured out, is to teach kids that everyone in a household should share the cognitive and physical labor. Their future roommates and partners will thank you.
Broadening our noticing ability
At the office and at home, most of us could benefit from upping our “noticing game.” But it’s not just about the work that needs to be done. What else should we notice? I want to propose two additional areas where we should increase our noticing: strengths and emotions.
Strengths:
Readers who’ve done leadership development training with my colleagues and I may remember an exercise that we call “notice and name.” Research shows that high performing teams and flourishing relationships have more positive communication. They spend more time sharing appreciation, naming strengths, asking questions, and affirming one another.
After we share the research, we encourage the training participants to “notice and name” each other’s strengths. To do this, you find someone you know, think of something they’re particularly good at, and tell them. It might sound like:
“Carl, I’ve watched how carefully you listen to people in meetings. I can see they appreciate your attention and feel understood by the questions you ask and the way you refer back to their words.”
Of course, this can be done at home too: “Cory, I’ve noticed that when you get bored, you find a creative project. I love seeing the things you invent, how carefully you work to make each part of it colorful and interesting, and the joy you take in working on an idea. You are really a creative person.”
How can you grow your ability to notice and name strengths? These questions might help—just substitute a friend or colleague’s name for X.
What was X’s contribution to that project? What strengths or skills did it require?
I trust X more than myself with ___.
When X is here, her impact is ___.
What patterns do I notice about X? She is really good at ___.
In this situation, what did I admire about ___’s contribution?
This is a skill you can teach your kids too. Noticing Time for strengths might have a dinner time prompt of, “What’s something someone else did today that you really appreciated? Or something they’re really good at?”
Emotions:
Reader Robin Mackie reminded me that noticing emotions is a great skill to develop too. Often our behaviors flag an emotion that might be hiding under the surface. Robin offered two examples:
"I noticed you were looking down a lot in the meeting, what is on your mind?"
"I noticed you went straight to your room without getting a snack today. What’s going on?”
To notice emotions is to read the room, sense where a strong emotion might be present, and offer an invitation to connect.
I want to be clear—I’m not telling you to guess at someone’s emotions. The examples above offer an invitation; they do not make a declaration. The examples also don’t require that you manage their emotions; only they can do that. But you are making space for others to freely express what they are feeling—you’re opening a door for conversation.
These questions might help you increase your noticing capacity for emotions:
What is my gut telling me?
What wasn’t said that might be important?
Did anyone’s behavior surprise me or seem unusual?
Was there a moment where I sensed something was happening beneath the surface?
Eyes to see, ears to hear
As Mangino’s book explains, relationships are stronger when both people are Noticers. Growing your noticing capacity—for work to be done, strengths to be named, and emotions that may be present—can strengthen your most significant relationships, and help you have more meaningful and productive work.
BONUS QUESTION
Research shows that women are more likely than men to volunteer for non-promotable tasks like cleaning up the breakroom, planning culture-building events, or taking notes in meetings.
With that in mind, here are three self-reflection questions for you:
Who does non-promotable tasks for your team?
Does the distribution of labor seem fair?
If not, how can you bring it in balance?
BONUS CONTENT
If you can’t get enough communication insights to help you be a better leader, partner, and parent, check out my latest podcast appearances.
Throttle Up Leadership - find a 3-minute clip on why your advice may stink (sorry 🤢), then catch the whole episode for more leadership-focused insights.
Lead in Quarters - a great conversation about how to use questions in teams to understand what each person needs, and what they’re trying to say. Also … thoughts about listening to your gut.
Photo by Yaroslav Shuraev.