How to Make Big Decisions Together
Difficult choices don't have to require difficult conversations.
The first big decision I remember making with Cliff, my husband, after we married, was a life-changing one: where did we want to serve as Peace Corps volunteers?
When we were dating, we discussed the idea of doing the Peace Corps together. Wouldn’t it be fun to fly to the other side of the world and spend two years serving? The adventures we’d find along the way sounded amazing too.
So, a few years into our marriage we submitted our Peace Corps application. Placing a married couple is harder than placing an individual, we’d been warned. There might not be a lot of options. So we were surprised when we got a call from our recruiter, asking us to make a choice. (That wasn’t typical then, and isn’t now either.) Our recruiter had two options for us.
We could go somewhere on the continent of Africa, and teach pre-school. Or,
We could go somewhere in the South Pacific, and work in NGO-development.
On the one hand, we’d get our first choice location but we’d spend our days trying to corral energetic three-year-olds. Some people might like that option, but it sounded torturous to us.
On the other hand, we’d use our professional skills in a field, NGO-development, that was a good fit for our capacities. But we’d be in the South Pacific, which had never been on our “must see” destination list.
How do you make a decision like that, with another person? How can you make sure you’re expressing your preferences while hearing theirs? How can you reach consensus?
Questions to help you make a decision together
Whether you’re trying to make a choice with your spouse or partner, or with your team at work, asking thoughtful questions can help.
Here are five questions that can help you uncover what you, and others, are really thinking:
What factors need to be considered? How do we rank those factors against each other?
What are the implications of this decision? How will this change my life? Yours?
How can we test our thinking?
Are we ready to make a decision, or is more discussion or research needed?
What is my/your instinct telling us? What do we most want?
In asking these questions, you’ll benefit from thinking about personality types and power differential.
Is someone in your group a verbal processor? If so, how will you give them space to develop their thinking in conversation while not overwhelming or silencing the internal processors in the group?
Does your group have a clear leader? If so, ask that person to speak last. Let others share their ideas first. Once the boss speaks, it tends to narrow the range of options being considered.
Making our choice
In our little basement apartment, Cliff and I turned our decision over and over. We had very little information to go on, but we still talked at length. Then, knowing we didn’t want to sway the other’s thinking, we decided to use Post-It notes.
We each took a note and a pen. In private, I wrote my leaning on the paper and Cliff wrote his. If they didn’t say the same thing, we knew more conversation would be needed.
Thankfully, when we turned the notes over, both said South Pacific.
We packed our duffel bags a few months later, served 27 months, and returned to the states in 2005 … 20 years ago this summer.
There have been many big decisions since then, and to my memory we’ve never since used Post It notes. But questions like the ones above? Those we use all the time.
BONUS QUESTION
What is your art?
I asked that question to a group of customer experience professionals earlier this week. Answers ranged from gardening and watercolors to astrophotography. (For real!)
As our discussion evolved, we agreed that as busy leaders, we need creativity in our lives. We can find creativity in our work, but it’s especially refreshing when we can find it ways that asks our brains to work differently or our hands to get dirty—when we can get lost in a creative pursuit for a little while.
So—what is your art?
BONUS CONTENT
Who would have thought a podcast about tuberculosis would be so fascinating? Check out this interview with author John Green on the Chris Hayes’ podcast Why is this Happening? My mind was reeling from the relationship between tuberculosis and New Mexico’s statehood, or the start of WWI. And despite this show being about an infectious disease in an era where public health resources are being cut, by the end of the show I felt inspired.
First impressions and how to be strategic about your questions were some of the topics covered in my appearance on the Brain Work Frame Work podcast. Check it out.
Photo by RDNE Stock project